just tell him i said nine months
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
