I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
you never un-have a 4some
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
