So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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