all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
