Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
