i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
