I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i dont even know how to be here
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
