I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
