tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
