a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
