your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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