In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
