sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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