Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Randomize
