So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
