This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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