You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Oh god it's open bar.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
