I will die if light touches me.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
