Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
