I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize