But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
