good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
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You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
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Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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