He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
