My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
