By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
