my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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