cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
