You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
