The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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