Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
