I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
