You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
