I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
