Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
