She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
