her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
