You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
