i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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