I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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