im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
