Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
