at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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