She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
