I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
