I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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