The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
