she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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