I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
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The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
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If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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