Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
