Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
This girl is more easily done than said...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
