At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
