Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
So many bounce houses so little time
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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