I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
