She is in my trunk
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
