Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Randomize
