he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
