I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
