every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
