Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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