I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
